http://www.aao.gov.au/images/general/favourites.html

so Karen finally had her baby…which means I’m now an aunt. I’m thinking it’s more exciting the first time around…

her name is Darcy Suzanne Williams and she looks just like her daddy…

and boy are we going to ever spoil her rotten!

motto of the Paleontological Society (meant both literally and figuratively, for hammers are the main tool of their trade): Frango ut patefaciam — I break in order to reveal.

My favorite ad from the Columbus Dispatch was in the “Personal” column:

              BLONDAGE
          mild to extreme
           please call…

there was a reason I didn’t work in service. I hate people. and I’m still working in the deli.

deli work makes me despise children – for crying in the grocery store, for smearing hand prints all over my glass…

it also makes me hate those who cannot read (there are more than a few in my area), those who cannot add and those who insist upon pointing at food (on the side of a case that I can’t see through) and saying “I want some of that.”

ARGH

got my grades – stupid 3.89 overall. Short less than 0.01 to get summa cum laude.

got a job – god…the deli…again. Start tomorrow at 2pm…<sigh>…yay…I get to bread chicken…

<sigh>

and my book that I’ve been looking forward to and anticipating for 12 years…oh yeah…it kinda like sucks and stuff…

ugh.

at least I had Wendy’s for lunch. and i planted cacti today.

i feel like i should say something…about the end of school, about being a graduate, about going to grad school, about what i feel, about what i’m doing…but I don’t have any words left, not even for myself. i keep using them all up, keeping people at bay.

i like my new picture

and I am drunk

three smirnoff’s…and i’m tipsy so sad such a lightweight…i blame hottub, lack of sleep, stress and minimal food….

finals are over
paper are done
still need to pack…

how did the time pass so quickly?
how is it that such a short time ago I was merely a freshman? 4 years doesn’t seem possible to just blow by like this…what did I do with all that time?

i made  alot of friends, pissed off more than a few people (prank phone calls, violations of many many quiet hours…), learned all kinds of ways to drink, got addicted to poker, dyed my hair too often, had too many different hair cuts, bought too many clothes, gave too many clothes away, tried to dance, got caught drinking, learned to ignore the authorities, to deny the right of society to tell me what to do (though that only works sometime), and i made some memories…bittersweet, poignant, beautiful, happy, sad, angry, joyous, vicious, bitter, laughing, crying…I made them all…

I lost alot…i lost a lot of the disrespect i had for my family, i lost a lot of respect i had for other people, i lost old friends and loves, i lost myself more than once – i keep finding myself in new ways though, i lost my happy dreams and found many bad ones and now i just want to not dream of hurt or of the bad things that happen, i lost my way and i’m still looking for a way back – but the way there is surely interesting, i lost money and jobs, i lost coke!, i lost my contact *(but i did find that one)*, i lost respect for myself – and i still haven’t gained that back, i lost things more valuable than anything i can think of

but i have learned from the losses as well as the gains, i am learning to be strong, to take from the hurt the knowledge to carry on to continue to go on even though i feel bereaved and bereft. i am learning still…to not blame myself for those things that i could not control, to not regret the things that are in the past and are beyond my control, to just go out and FUCKING DO IT…that sitting back and watching things happen doesn’t work, that there is risk in everything…even in not taking risks

has it all been worth it? even with the pain, the regrets, the anger all the tears? the heartbreak and the fights? the bitching and the moaning? the regrets? 

yes

as much as i have hurt, i have balanced it all with having tasted joy. i don’t graduate whole-hearted a whole person or anything like that…but i learned, i learned how to deal with that, how to carry on without, how to re-build myself

am i healthy, body, mind and spirit? no…i still carry a seed of darkness, the swelling emptyness of depression and of despair. i felt it before and i’ve felt it more strongly than i ever had before since i started college. but i am learning. to deal with it, to fight it, to live with it, to argue against it, i set that record playing in my head to contradict the way i feel.

i graduate. i miss this place already. i’m not ready to go. but i have to change. we all do, we can’t stagnate in the same place forever. it’s hard to move on, it’s hard to pull out all my litte roots and feelings

but i’m learning

canada? bitchy border “officer” definitely NOT a guard…make sure you take your birth certificate folks or maybe they might not let you in…though those guards might…

won about 30$ spent some on weird canada food…and beveragesa and shit like that…up overall…about 20$ not bad for a canada trip, eh? one winning hand of let it ride…

saw the sunrise
heard Donald’s Phil voice…

going to miss this place

probably should have studied for tomorrow’s final before today, eh?