May 10, 2002

  • finals are over
    paper are done
    still need to pack...


    how did the time pass so quickly?
    how is it that such a short time ago I was merely a freshman? 4 years doesn't seem possible to just blow by like this...what did I do with all that time?


    i made  alot of friends, pissed off more than a few people (prank phone calls, violations of many many quiet hours...), learned all kinds of ways to drink, got addicted to poker, dyed my hair too often, had too many different hair cuts, bought too many clothes, gave too many clothes away, tried to dance, got caught drinking, learned to ignore the authorities, to deny the right of society to tell me what to do (though that only works sometime), and i made some memories...bittersweet, poignant, beautiful, happy, sad, angry, joyous, vicious, bitter, laughing, crying...I made them all...


    I lost alot...i lost a lot of the disrespect i had for my family, i lost a lot of respect i had for other people, i lost old friends and loves, i lost myself more than once - i keep finding myself in new ways though, i lost my happy dreams and found many bad ones and now i just want to not dream of hurt or of the bad things that happen, i lost my way and i'm still looking for a way back - but the way there is surely interesting, i lost money and jobs, i lost coke!, i lost my contact *(but i did find that one)*, i lost respect for myself - and i still haven't gained that back, i lost things more valuable than anything i can think of


    but i have learned from the losses as well as the gains, i am learning to be strong, to take from the hurt the knowledge to carry on to continue to go on even though i feel bereaved and bereft. i am learning still...to not blame myself for those things that i could not control, to not regret the things that are in the past and are beyond my control, to just go out and FUCKING DO IT...that sitting back and watching things happen doesn't work, that there is risk in everything...even in not taking risks


    has it all been worth it? even with the pain, the regrets, the anger all the tears? the heartbreak and the fights? the bitching and the moaning? the regrets? 


    yes


    as much as i have hurt, i have balanced it all with having tasted joy. i don't graduate whole-hearted a whole person or anything like that...but i learned, i learned how to deal with that, how to carry on without, how to re-build myself


    am i healthy, body, mind and spirit? no...i still carry a seed of darkness, the swelling emptyness of depression and of despair. i felt it before and i've felt it more strongly than i ever had before since i started college. but i am learning. to deal with it, to fight it, to live with it, to argue against it, i set that record playing in my head to contradict the way i feel.


    i graduate. i miss this place already. i'm not ready to go. but i have to change. we all do, we can't stagnate in the same place forever. it's hard to move on, it's hard to pull out all my litte roots and feelings


    but i'm learning