August 22, 2002

  • So yesterday I turned 22 and 6 months.


    It has been the hardest and possibly worst 6 months of my life.


    I've been alone through so much of it...I've changed a great deal, lost a great deal and I am still only discovering what, if anything I have gained.


    I took my first plane flight, I decided on a graduate school, my boyfriend of over two years broke up with me, I graduated from college, I moved home and then moved into my own apartment, I opened my checking account, turned on my gas, my electricity and got a telephone number...all alone. I also nearly lost or perhaps gave up the friendship of Eric because it was hurting me so much.


    And where does that leave me? I'm in responsibility up to my nose...I'm merely glad that I don't have to worry about a car (the one thing my parents can and will take care of for me). I'm monetarily hurting...I am working parttime at Target and I am PRAYING to make it until my first paycheck from OSU (which is coming a month later than expected...). I also discovered that a very good friend has a suspicious lump in her thyroid.


    I am alone...except for my two cats for the first time. I have no friends in Columbus, only acquaintances...people to say hello to, but not really talk to.


    And then, the boyfriend or exboyfriend...and that is a story or situation that I don't understand at all. I wish I did...


    School starts soon, but I haven't scheduled. I have a month to get everything finished in my life before school. I need to control the money situation which is currently looking rather bleak. I liken it to being stuck on a wagon with a runaway team of horses...I can either jump off the wagon, cut the team free or try to jump onto those stupid horses and wrestle the bit out of their teeth and regain control. What will happen? I really don't know. Perhaps this metaphor can be extended to the rest of my life? I probably should but I really don't know that I have the strength to jump.


    Or maybe better to put it...I am strong enough. I know I'm strong enough, I've handled everything alone so far and I've been...stronger for it...but I fear that I lack the flexibility, the give that I once had. I guess I'm trying to say I feel brittle. I am strong enough to head on blows, but I don't know how many more sideswipes and blasting winds I can take. And if I can't handle it...that darkness on the inside...<sigh>...it never did go away.

Comments (2)

  • thanks Kelly! things are already getting better in the health department now that i've started this Remicade IV therapy. i feel so much better. gives me hope that i may actually be able to conquer this semester! i know that these last few months have been difficult for you, but i know you...and you'll make it, and if you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask! love ya, hon! hang in there!

  • Sounds like grown-up life.  I'm facing it too and it's scaring the crap outta me.  I've got just enough money to get by, I go to an outrageously expensive school that is so competitive and difficult I'm stuck there for 2 more years before even getting my B.S and I hate it there.  Plus I have to somehow find time to work in between the studying I have to do every single day in order to pass with decent grades. 

    A friend of mine had thyroid cancer a while back, when she was just 17.  Fortunately, it's one of the most cureable kinds of cancer, so if in the worse-case scenario that is what is going on with your friend, she should have a good prognosis, hopefully.  Because I know what you may be going through, you're both in my prayers.

    Kitties make the best companions.    I never feel alone when my cat is around.

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