so I bought a new computer…
now I have to hook up my internet to it, but at least I have some kick ass processing speed (at least, relatively that is….)
Month: August 2002
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So yesterday I turned 22 and 6 months.
It has been the hardest and possibly worst 6 months of my life.
I’ve been alone through so much of it…I’ve changed a great deal, lost a great deal and I am still only discovering what, if anything I have gained.
I took my first plane flight, I decided on a graduate school, my boyfriend of over two years broke up with me, I graduated from college, I moved home and then moved into my own apartment, I opened my checking account, turned on my gas, my electricity and got a telephone number…all alone. I also nearly lost or perhaps gave up the friendship of Eric because it was hurting me so much.
And where does that leave me? I’m in responsibility up to my nose…I’m merely glad that I don’t have to worry about a car (the one thing my parents can and will take care of for me). I’m monetarily hurting…I am working parttime at Target and I am PRAYING to make it until my first paycheck from OSU (which is coming a month later than expected…). I also discovered that a very good friend has a suspicious lump in her thyroid.
I am alone…except for my two cats for the first time. I have no friends in Columbus, only acquaintances…people to say hello to, but not really talk to.
And then, the boyfriend or exboyfriend…and that is a story or situation that I don’t understand at all. I wish I did…
School starts soon, but I haven’t scheduled. I have a month to get everything finished in my life before school. I need to control the money situation which is currently looking rather bleak. I liken it to being stuck on a wagon with a runaway team of horses…I can either jump off the wagon, cut the team free or try to jump onto those stupid horses and wrestle the bit out of their teeth and regain control. What will happen? I really don’t know. Perhaps this metaphor can be extended to the rest of my life? I probably should but I really don’t know that I have the strength to jump.
Or maybe better to put it…I am strong enough. I know I’m strong enough, I’ve handled everything alone so far and I’ve been…stronger for it…but I fear that I lack the flexibility, the give that I once had. I guess I’m trying to say I feel brittle. I am strong enough to head on blows, but I don’t know how many more sideswipes and blasting winds I can take. And if I can’t handle it…that darkness on the inside…<sigh>…it never did go away.
