January 29, 2009
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Sometimes, I get lonely.
Well, it's not even sometimes. It's Tuesday and Thursday evenings when Joshua has class and I'm a single doggie mommy. It's hard because Joshua will have class every Tuesday and Thursday until the end of time. This is not to say that it is more important than me or the doggers or anything like it. It is totally possible for him not to go to class. But in the general scheme of things, he usually goes to class because there is not a reason for him not to go to class.
So I take care of the dogs and do normal at home things. But it's not really fair to the dogs (who've been en-kenneled for 10 hours or so by the time I get home) for me to do anything terribly involved that's not about them. I understand that people with children deal with FAR more than this (I mean frankly, you can't just toss the kids in the kennel or throw them outside with a dehydrated bull pizzle - people frown on that stuff) but it is also part of the reason that I do not and will not have kids.
This is part of the reason that I'm taking belly dancing on Wednesdays - to hopefully maybe give me something to do (a.k.a. PRACTICE because I suck at moving anything like a belly dancer) at home on Tuesdays and Thursdays. But really - it is a bit lonely.
I have some friends but mostly, it's hard to get together during the week when you've all got employment and live in different parts of the Valley. I'd like to go visit a friend from work who just had her second daughter (Cora. Isn't that a kind of sweet little name?) but I can't go during the week because she seriously lives something like 40 miles from my house. Which, sure, that doesn't sound like much until you realize that you would have to drive that in PHOENIX traffic. So it would be a friggin' hour or more during the week each way. Stupid people. I blame the snow birds.
I'm sure part of it is also the loomingness of my 29th birthday. Part of me is completely aware that more than likely I've a good 50 or more years coming to me - I don't drink or smoke, I exercise regularly and I eat well. I'm in the process of giving up stupid sugar so -- if the world were fair, I'd say I'm likely to live a while longer yet. Of course this disregards accidents and that equalizer of all people - cancer. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel old? Or maybe like I'm supposed to be done? And I don't think I'm even half-baked yet.
I am also not where I thought I would be. Not that I'm unhappy with where I am - in fact, most of the time, where I am is pretty friggin' awesome. I love my family (four legged and two legged) and I at times nearly enjoy my job. I'm healthy and I really am learning to enjoy cooking and, of all things, exercise. (We've another hike planned for this weekend).
So what's my problem? Some people seem to just accomplish their lives in straight lines - point A to point B and so on. And maybe they can't see point C from point A but they're at least proceeding in a logical fashion. Step by step, choice by choice - it makes sense. I don't seem to do that. There are a lot of kinks and twists and back-tracks in my life.
Maybe no one really goes in a straight line from their own point of view? Who knows. I just view the world through my very sciencey/procedure driven mind. To accomplish things, first you have to do steps 1, 2, 3 and 4. You can't just jump straight in at 5! And sometimes that's how life seems to be. You land in at step five, have no clue what's going on and you have to muddle. I hate MUDDLING!
I suppose life can't be like my procedures from work - squirt chemical A in tube, wait five minutes and then do steps such and such. But man, sure seems like it would be easier sometimes?
Maybe I just need more direction. Also, hence belly dancing. And hoping to make more friends that, in theory, live in Mesa. Cars and technology are wonderful for allowing people to make connections all over the world and maintain close relationships with people who are far, far away but until they invent teleportation, there really cannot be a substitute for the friend who lives close by and can just drop in and you can cook them dinner (or vice versa - I like people to cook for me too).
So, where am I going with this?
Who knows. I'm not really sure where I'm going in general. And I'm not terribly good at just hanging on and enjoying the ride. I guess I'll just hold on, bitch a bunch, try not to spoil the ride for others and still end up in the same place...
Comments (3)
At least you have a dog! All I have is a candle and my own words, and some interaction at work on the weekend.
Go to your local YMCA and get into a yoga class on T & Th! I wish I could!
I don't think anyone goes 1-2-3-4-5. I think a lot of people give off that illusion, but it's not true. Maybe there are those who do, but they sacrifice great things to do so. There is joy in the pure randomness of it all, as you will see with time.
@dancedout -
I have two dogs and three cats.
And if you want some pet interaction - especially in this crappy economy, there are so many pets that are being abandoned right now....
I have a gym where I'm a member and while they do offer classes on T and R, I can't leave the dogs so unless I want to take an hour or so off of work or go in later to work, I can't leave the dogs for longer. About 10 hours in their kennel is the max(unless I want to clean up poopies from the kennel. Which, I do not).
I think the randomness is what gets me going though - I'm not sure my slightly OCD personality finds joy in it.
I totally get this. And I would highly encourage bellydancing and making new (local) friends. I've done both (at different times) and have felt really rewarded from it. I also picked up hobbies, like writing and cooking and photography which also help. Although, I have to admit that I don't get very "lonely" myself. As an introvert who often battles depression, I loooove being alone. LOL.
And I envy all of your four-legged buddies. Seriously!
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