ah…racquetball…there is something about this good, honest, All-American sport that just makes every portion of my anatomy ache for days….
Month: April 2002
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www.geocities.com/remedypage/eremedies/
how to use your senses and be happier:
1. Sight – seeing red, blue and yellow can make you happier
2. Touch – massages, hugs and loofahs baby!
3. Scent – smelling good smells: cookies, good fresh air, flowers…etc
4. Taste – eat happy food, especially chocolate or ice cream
5. Hear – laughter and upbeat music increase heart rate
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why do so many people look at me and make me feel judged? do I have a guilt complex? maybe I’m simply tired of being looked at as a “bad” girl. I don’t smoke, I rarely drink, I don’t do any drugs, I don’t steal, I don’t have one night stands, I don’t do a whole lot of really bad things. but because I enjoy sex, even if only with one person, I can’t be a “good” girl. If i were a guy, it’d be okay or expected…but as a girl, it makes me a bad person and people look at me like I deserve what I’ve gotten. Well fuck you. stop silently judging me. If you have a problem with it, talk to me about…don’t look at me like i’m bad like i’m a whore or a slut. you don’t have the right.
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for those with ironic senses of humor, I just took this test…
What’s Your Style?
You’re a true nature chick who loves the outdoors. Because you’re always running from activity to activity, you have zero time for a full, fussy face of makeup. Instead, you want to be able to hop out of the shower, pull your hair into a ponytail, slap on some sunscreen, and go. Just make sure that your laid-back, all-things-natural attitude doesn’t lead to you become lazy -even on-the-go girls need to glam themselves up sometimes!
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You Are A:
Chaotic Good Elf Ranger Druid
Follower Of Solonor Thelandria
Alignment:
Chaotic Good characters are independent types with a strong belief in the value of goodness. They have little use for governments and other forces of order, and will generally do their own things, without heed to such groups.
Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.
Primary Class:
Rangers are the defenders of nature and the elements. They are in tune with the Earth, and work to keep it safe and healthy.
Secondary Class:
Druids are a special variety of Cleric who serves the Earth, and can call upon the power in the earth to accomplish their goals. They tend to be somewhat fanatical about defending natural settings.
Deity:
Solonor Thelandria is the Chaotic Good elven god of archery and the hunt. He is also known as the Keen Eye, the Great Archer, and the Forest Hunter. His followers respect nature, and only hunt when needed, but are quick to defend the forest from intruders. Their favorite weapon is the bow, and they tend to be extremely talented with it. Solonor Thelandria’s symbol is an arrow with green fletchings.
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I want to be the hot, half-naked girls. I want to be the “chicks” or the “broads.” I want whistles when I walk by. I want size 2 to fit, I want those cute little skin tight clothes, those short short skirts…
And this makes me angry…angry at myself, at all those people who make me think I should be that way and just in general at the world.
What’s wrong with how I am? I function, I have two eyes, two ears…all the proper number of appendages. There is nothing “wrong” with me. But still I’m not satisfied. I want more. I want more of everything. I want to be more hot, I want to be more accepted, I want more money, I want to be happier…
Appearance seems to be everything, and we as a whole are willing to do atrocious things to get that appearance…the appearance of skinny/beautiful (since they seem to be so connected to the world’s point of views) at the cost of our kidneys, our livers, our hearts…taking diet pills, starving ourselves and still not being satisfied with how we look. The appearance of wealth…or even real wealth…and still not be happy. Wanting more and more money to fill that gaping nothingness that lack of self of role of purpose…and at any cost to self, to other people, to the land, to the animals, to the world, to society…
Why can’t we be satisfied with something? We keep looking and looking and looking. No matter how much we have, we never seem to find satisfaction. I have a place to sleep, enough to eat, I have a job, I have friends, I have money. I even have goals for the future. And I’m still not fucking satisfied. I want more. A lot more. I want to be happier, I want better food a bigger place to live a better job more friends better body better hair perkier breasts. And I hate myself for wanting.
When I look in the mirror, I’m not happy, I’m never satisfied. Without a mirror, would I care? I’d see myself reflected in other people’s eyes – judging me, silently or otherwise. Judging how I look, how I dress, who I talk to…people not only are unsatisfied with themselves they seem really fucking unsatisfied with me.
I want to say damn society. I want to be happy with my body, my goals, my dreams, myself…with what I have and what I will have. But I am not. I try. I try so hard…and somedays, the lack of satisfaction makes me want to bite someone, something or just kill myself. The world as I know it seems to be such an atrocity – I want so much more from it…it’s such vicious circle that just doesn’t end.
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entropy…
the constant movement of the universe towards chaos….
my personal contribution of the night (aside from the biochemistry occurring within of course…) is going to be a rambling monologue, not unlike the normal spiel often seen on this site.
I like ice cream. So do lots of people. But especially good is Ben&Jerry’s with their multitude of flavors. Also good things are Terry Pratchett books, finishing stupid projects (hello poster for the very intimidating NCUR conference), napping, new books that don’t yet have the binding broken, lotion that smells good, Big Lots and it’s assorted weirdity, random beverages, clean laundry (though not yet folded) and chocolate apples.
